Countless mind wrecking situations.

Forgive this sloppy blogpost as i am blogging with my iPhone. I can't get all the fonts and things like that done right.

Technically, I am just here to express how I feel. Sadly, I have no other out let.

I don't know why, more and more, I am beginning to loose myself. I feel like I am beginning to get swallowed up in my own shadow. I began to keep more and more of my thoughts to myself. Rather keeping it in. Of all the company I have around me, the happiness I share, I just don't know why I don't stay happy for long anymore.

Believe me, I know when it's pms and this isn't one of those times.
I admit, I am going through a hard time.

Maybe it's cos I've always kept quiet when I am unhappy. Therefore, the people close to me can't tell whether I am alright or not. Maybe it's something I am used to.

Of recent nights, I can feel the tears streaming down my face before I close my eyes and wander off into dreams. Of late, I find myself throwing myself into dark feelings even when nothing hits me.
... I am starting to think I might be depressed for some kind of unknown reason.
Even my mom thinks that I've lost my spark, my smile, my laughter. She goes on saying, ".. Everything about you seems to be so forced nowadays. Even your smile doesn't seem as genuine as before."

I find myself in this place where, all I see are dark clouds and grey skies. All I can hear is the sound of my own voice haunting me. All I can feel is hurt and all I can see is my own face betraying my very own thoughts.

I've learned to appreciate the things and people around me more but I am beginning to wonder, "does anybody even care that I am still around?" people seem to be going out, having fun, while I seem to be just left hanging sitting at the bench at the side of the field. Could it be because I don't fit in anymore? Could it be because I am less likable now. Well, if you ask me, I choose to think people rather not bother.

People say they're worried about me. That they see the unhappy side of me. "Are you doing okay?" Well, yeah. I feel their concern but just 2 sentences later, "Wanna go out tomorrow?" wow, I sometimes ponder and ask myself, "is it me or, does it just seem like all I sometimes have left is myself?"

I won't doubt the fact that I still have so many around me. I won't doubt the fact that people still care.

I guess nobody get's me. Like the saying goes, "sometimes you'll just have to stand on your own two feet. Rely on nobody."

Maybe that's the crossroad where I am at now. Balancing on what i feel and what i see. Don't know what i want anymore. Just maybe.

And one day, people will just get sick and tired of watching me this way. Tired of reassuring me. Tired of bothering. I guess when that day comes, I have no one but myself to blame.